The Attorney's Therapist Blog

Control

Let's define control.  Control is not manipulating others into doing what you want.  That type of control usually includes deceptive practices. 

Codependency is a type of unhealthy control.  If I manipulate your impression of me or if I take care of all of your needs by telling you what to do -- then I will be loved, safe, in control and not afraid.  Your intent in what you do is very important.  What are you hoping the outcome will be is another important factor.  Doing things for others because you want to be loved can be toxic to you. 

A director of HR told me that she has to solve everyone's problems - she went to a baby shower and set up a day care arrangement for the children and supervised their activities.  She didn't have children there and was a guest.  While taking control might have been appreciated by the mothers, it was not my client's job.  She missed out on socializing with adults.

Another client believes that he must take care of his teenage daughter's happiness to the extent that he calls up her friends if she expresses any unhappiness with them.  He is crippling her abilities to learn how to assert herself in these situations -- and her reputation with her friends! 

Autocracy is another form of control that leads to dire consequences.

What is healthy control?  Healthy control is looking at your life and asking, "Where can I make changes that benefit me and others."   When you perceive that you can't effect the areas of your life, you experience depression, anxiety and distress. 

When you face a challenge, if you believe that you can't control the process or outcome, your distress leads to the very outcome you fear.

To put this in everyday language, if you believe that there is nothing you can do about your practice - whatever profession you might be in - then you will become distressed and your behavior will sabotage any success. 

If you believe that your control rests with luck, the stars, or wishing, then you don't believe you are in control. 

What about the Laws of Attraction?  Well if you hold a positive belief, then your emotions and behaviors will line up behind that belief.  If you stay in the wishing stage, "A million dollars is in my account," then you will not manifest it.  It is what author Maria Nemeth calls "metaphysizzaling."  Biblical as well as most major psychotherapy theories all agree that action is necessary to bring about your thoughts or beliefs.  For example, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) focuses on changing unhealthy beliefs that lead to toxic emotions and behaviors.  Analytic Therapy also allows the client/patient to uncover those hidden beliefs that interfere with peace. 

What do you perceive as your areas of control?  Do you believe that you have control over your career?  Your relationships?  Your finances?  Your self growth?  Your leisure time?  Your spiritual life? 

What challenge are you facing at the moment?  How can you take control?  If you are having difficulty identifying how you can be in control of your destiny, give me a call.  I will help you identify how you can be in control and where you sabotage yourself.

Resiliency During Stressful Times

Living in the midst of the economic maelstrom is not conducive to relaxation.  While I have written about ways to cope with this in ezine articles, I have not written about what makes one resilient.  A researcher in 1979 identified three characteristics that identify executives as resilient.  These are

1. Control
2. Commitment
3. Challenge

Certainly learning what you can control is an important skill.  Feeling committed to your project or company is helps motivate you.  Perceiving keeping your position as a challenge rather than feeling defeated helps you perceive new options. 

In the days to come, I will further define and comment on how you can develop these characteristics.

www.bitterlawyer.com resource

I frequently see postings for www.bitterlawyer.com. Some accent the paternalistic environment of the legal field. Others describe in exquisite detail the plight of aassociates and partners. The postings exemplify the type of problems I hear in my office. While I hadn't heard that hookers also like attorneys as clients, I did find the article intriguing since it does highlight the difficulties attorneys have with relationships.  Hookers appreciate attorneys because they value time, money and are action oriented.  They enjoy helping attorneys relieve stress.  And they appreciate the irony of negative stereotyping of lawyers as whores.  Fortunately, I think that the worst that we in the mental health profession have been called were paid friends.  (Unless we do forensic work, then we are the "whores of the courts.")   

 

Especially in this economy, attorneys are working harder than ever to build and maintain their practices.  Little time is left over for intimate relationships - emotional or sexual!  

So how do you manage to keep a relationship vibrant?  What did you do that helps your spouse, partner, significant other, or what ever p.c. term you want to use stay connected to you?  Or are you just too tired to think about relationships?  If you still feel lonely when you  spend time with your loved one, then you might want to take action - quickly!  Divorced attorneys abound!  More on relationship first-aide later.

Health

I usually suggest to clients that they consider (how's that for non-directive) adding exercise to the daily routine.  Research has shown that exercise is the magic pill for what ails you.  It lowers depressive symptoms, anxiety, the risk of Alzheimer's's disease, blood pressure, cholesterol, increases endorphins, improves memory, etc.  The results of research is strongly indicative that exercise is a modern day panacea for what ails us.  So why aren't we following this wonderful advice.  I listened to my own self-talk, and it went something like, "it's cold outside.  I'll go to the center later."  Another one was "I'm too tired, have too much to do, don't want to go."  The last one is all encompassing! 

So how did I get myself out the door?  A trainer.  I'm fortunate in that my fitness center (www.NIFS.org) has a program for weight management.  I get two 30 minute sessions with a trainer 2x a week for a small fee per month.  Accountability gets me out the door. 

I've used accountability buddies for other tasks.  The challenge is to find someone who does not align with you in not doing the tasks.  I've had good friends who would collude with me to have fun instead of complete the tasks. So finding someone who is serious about his/her own tasks is important.  This person would be someone to whom you would feel embarrassed if you didn't keep your word. 

Ideally you would be that person to yourself.  The question of why we need to rationalize not doing what is healthy for us is an important one to answer.  When we don't keep our word to ourselves, we compromise our self esteem.  Think about how you compromise your self-esteem this week.

Political Areas of your life...

One of the areas that might be out of balance in your life is your contribution to the government.  Now you might be satisfied with your activity in this area; however, if you are not, then ask yourself the following questions:

1. Am I as informed about local, state, national and international issues as I want?

 This is the primary question.  If you answer "No," then ask yourself the following questions.

1. Have I done due diligence on the political issues that affect me?
2. Have I said that I want to be more involved, but, I'm not?
3. If I answered "yes" to #3, what stops me from becoming more involved?
4. How would I define "more involved?"  Is this too rigid or all encompassing of a definition?
5. Am I too involved in watching the political scene?  Do I notice my blood pressure rising when I watch the debates?

These questions may help you determine where your dissatisfaction lies.  If you find yourself experiencing symptoms of stress related to this area, then you need to consider your options.  You can change your response -

• breathe deeply,
• exercise more frequently,
• move around to affect the stress hormones in a positive way (fight, flight or freeze syndrome)
• talk to a friend about your reaction 
  

Talking about the cause - politics may only increase the harmful responses to stress. 

You can rethink what is upsetting you about the political scene.  Do you feel like the government is controlling your life in a way that is not helping you.  Are you afraid of your future or your children's future?  Do you get steamed because of all the distortions and untruths that you hear during the presidential campaign season? 

To paraphrase a famous quote, these are the times that try good people.  Let me know what areas are stressing you.

Financial Stress

While I began this blog to help professionals review the areas of their lives to discover any imbalances, I find that revisiting the area of finances might be of interest. 

309.928 Adjustment Disorder with Financial Stress

Symptoms:

• Checks stocks repeatedly
• Watches television for news of collapse
• Talks with others incessantly about the economy
• In spite of a good credit rating, can't get credit
• Problems with sleep or appetite
• Feels tense, wants to argue
• Increased irritability, wants to argue or fight
• Feels dread, wants to run away
• Hopelessness,
• Paralyzed with fear

The only relief is when "The Early Show" with John Stewart is on.  This person might not have all of the symptoms of this mythological disorder; however, he or she feels stressed, depressed or anxious much of the time.

One of our evolutionary reactions to fear, such as a saber tooth tiger (or bears and bulls)  is to fight, flee or freeze.  Adrenalin and cortisol rush throughout our bodies.  Blood is shunted to the major muscles.  Our eyesight becomes narrowed.  We become hypervigilient.  While this is good if we are in physical danger, it can become problematic if we are responding to an intellectual or emotional problems. 

Yes, these are stressful times; however, our job is to control our physiological and emotional responses so that we don't injure ourselves.  Stress literally wears out our bodies.. Our immune systems become compromised.  We get sick.  Emotionally we can do damage to our relationships with others by wanting to fight or flee. 

The world financial market is in crisis.  Thanks to Warren Buffet, some of the major players have been bailed out.  Unfortunately this might not be enough to help our economy.

So, what can you do to control your symptoms?  

1. Turn off the television or radio - limit your viewing or listening to one show.

2. Do not surf the Internet looking for more news about the economy.

3. Do not call your stock broker more than once a day.

4. Breathe deeply from you abdomen several times a day - this breaks the flight, fight or freeze response.Exercise - movement is another way to break the flight, fight or freeze response.

5. Limit alcohol - it is a depressant.

6. Get plenty of sleep.

7. Eat healthy foods -- not American comfort foods.

8. Surround yourself with optimistic and supportive people.

9. If you or someone around you starts to panic, you need to be the one who calms down - stress can be contagious. 

10. If you have a spiritual practice -- do it

11. Look for what you do have control over in a productive way - do it! 

If your stress interferes in your life with your ability to function, seek help from a mental health professional.  You don't have to go it alone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

August 18, 2008 Career Days or Why did you go to law school?

I was reading another book - Lawyer, Know thyself  by Susan Swaim Daicoff.    She noted that a nickname for law school was "the residual graduate school."  Ms Swaim Daicoff noted that she had thought law school was the default school when you couldn't get into med school.  I worked with an attorney who came from a family of M.D.'s.  When he was wait-listed, he went into law school.  He didn't enjoy it and worked in the field for a brief time.  Of those who didn't use law school as the default, the main reasons given was intellectual stimulation and an interest in the subject matter. 

I challenge you to remember why you entered law school.  What was your vision for your career and your life?  Certainly money is the third reason given in studies.  Prestige is another reason; however, I think that the last reason might not be as prevalent as before.  One of the stressors for attorneys is lack of prestige in the public's view.  Yes, I could write some lawyer jokes; but, I think that would be disrespectful.  (Here's a psychologist joke:  how many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?  One --but the light bulb really has to want to change!)

I will continue writing on the career satisfaction section of life in the days to come.

Don't Regress under Financial Stress

The financial areas of our lives can impact how we are feeling about other days.  It's not just the working poor who feel financial stress.  It's the affluent, too!  A recent article in The New York Times highlighted the problems of the affluent and the difficulties they have. 

Attorneys have the pressure of the billable hours.  CPA's have a similar pressure. Therapists have session hours. Any professional can work longer hours, earn more money, and still be unhappy if they have not met one's personal criteria for success.  These same people can also work longer hours and not earn more money.  And they can misspend their money, too.

If the financial area is the only area you use to judge success, then your self-esteem might be on a roller coaster.   

I just spent a day talking with clients - attorneys, software designer, CPA - about finances.  Now I am not a financial expert nor do I give investment tips.  What comes up in this sector of your life is often related to stress -- even the wealthy have problems.  It's not how much money you have -- it's the meaning that money has for you. 

Research has suggested that money can't buy happiness; but, lack of money does inhibit happiness.  For those with good earning potential, not being satisfied with the money they are earning sometimes suggest that their mindsets -- their beliefs about money-- are holding them back. 

One of the clients whom I saw today told me that she overspends so that she can feel successful.  The other person told me that he hoards money so that he can feel successful.  Same desired outcome but different behaviors. And, of course, how sad that money is their only standard for success.

What clients discover is that the financial area of life often reflects the same patterns of limiting beliefs that sabotage other areas.  For example, Carl is a 47 year old married man who can't break a certain six figure income.  What holds him back?  Through some self reflection, he identified some beliefs that "too much money was vulgar."  His belief?  No -- his mothers.  He also realized that he was afraid to be really successful - as defined as surpassing his current income. Underlying this was his belief that he was an impostor, a fraud. He discovered similar beliefs that he have been ruling his life. 

These beliefs are the rules by which we live.  Until we can fully identify them, we don't realize that they exist.  If we are unaware of their existence, we have limited our choices about how to think, feel and behave in our lives.  And then we find ourselves feeling dissatisfied, maybe depressed and anxious, with life.

Identifying what our money beliefs and patterns can help liberate the needed energy to live our lives more fully - we can make more money when we have more energy.

Several books are available on this subject.  Suze Orman has written quite a few.  All Your Worth  authors also delve into this.  Another excellent book is The Financial Wisdom of Ebenezer Scrooge.

If your financial life is not what you want it to be, then perhaps it's not just a matter a working longer hours. Your money beliefs might be interfering.  Let me know if I can help you identify and change them.

Welcome

Welcome to my blog.  For all of you overstressed professionals, this blog's for you.  I will be adding information relevent to stressed out professionals on a weekly basis.  If you have any suggestions for what you would like to learn or what would be helpful to you, please send me an email.  You can also visit my website at www.theattorneystherapist.com.

My plan is to write on each area of the Life Wheel:  Each section of the wheel represents a part of life:

1. Spiritual
2. Career
3. Finances
4. Relationships: family
5. Relationships: friends
6. Relationships: romantic
7. Environment
8. Fun and recreation
9. Personal growth/emotional health
10. Physical health
11. Political/news

These are the major areas of stress in our lives.  I added the 11th one because the war, price of gasoline, human rights violations, environmental concerns and the stock market are causes of concern, and thus affect our well-being.  We don't want to end up looking like this once majestic being!   

And on that note, I will close.  I look forward to meeting all of you and providing you with thoughts to help you destress!   

Warmest regards,

Doc Debra